


He Got a Booty Like a Cadillac.

by itslikeorange



Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 21:43:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9091912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itslikeorange/pseuds/itslikeorange
Summary: Some unthinking comments and an ill-advised wager see Kyle performing a striptease. What's a Jew to do?Banged this out in a couple of hours to get over writer's block. The song I had in my head that Kyle dances to is ‘Bang Bang’ by Jesse J and Co, but it can be whatever you want it to be baby ;)For the purposes of this fic, the gang are 18.





	

Smart, intelligent, clever, genius, know it all, wise ass. Kyle had been called all these things and many more in his time, but for once he didn’t feel worthy of any of them.  If he were half as smart as he was reputed to be, then he wouldn’t be stood here now by the side of a stage, moments away from getting his kit off for what looked like half the school who were all eagerly waiting to see him humiliate himself. All for a bet.

Yes, Kyle sighed, this had to rank as one of the stupidest situations he had ever gotten himself into. And course, like ever stupid thing he had ever done in his life, it could be all traced back to one Eric Cartman.

It had all started a couple of weeks ago. He, Cartman, Stan, Kenny and Butters had all been sat having lunch in the high school cafeteria when Kenny had started a conversation about strippers, enthusing about how they made a 300 bucks a night in the clubs and how he was thinking of taking it up as it beat making 7 dollars an hour at City Wok.

If it was anyone else, they would have assumed he was joking, but since this was Kenny one could never be sure and so just to be on the safe side, Kyle felt the need to put his 2 cents in to dissuade his friend.

‘There’s no way those girls make that much and just think about it. Do you really want to be known as the guy who makes a living taking his clothes off for strangers? You’re better than that, Kenny.’ Kyle said, gesturing with his fork to get his point across.

‘Ey! Those girls work damn hard for that money, Jew.’

Kyle huffed in annoyance. Of course Cartman just had to argue with him. Kyle swore he did it on purpose most of the time just to rile him up.

‘Uh huh, I’m sure you need a college degree to take your shirt off.’ Kyle replied, rolling his eyes. ‘In fact, I’m pretty sure Yale do a major in stockings.’

Kenny laughed. ‘Maybe I should apply!’

Cartman however did not laugh.

‘I’d like to see your scrawny, rhythmically challenged Jew-ass do one night in the clubs. Bet you couldn’t even make 10 bucks. You be fucked after one song.’ He scoffed.

‘I’d give you the 10 bucks just to put your clothes back on.’ Stan commented dryly. ‘No offence, dude.’

‘None taken,’ Kyle snorted, ‘coz it’s never gonna happen. If, and this is a fucking massive if, if I was to drop all my goals and ambitions in life and become a stripper then it’d be just fine. I mastered taking my clothes off at the age of 3, unlike some people who still get their Mom to tie their ties.’ He batted his eyelashes at Cartman, who fumed as the other guys laughed.

‘Fuck you, you goddamn Jew rat! No one wants to see your ginger ass anyway!’

The argument devolved into their usually trade of insults and afterwards, Kyle pretty much forgot about it. Cartman it seemed however, had not, and Kyle found his boast being challenged as a term in their next wager. Kyle agreed, because duh, there was no way he wasn’t gonna win this bet.

He lost.

And that was how Kyle found himself waiting in the wings of their local community theatre, with just a couple of days rehearsal with some stripper friend of Jimmy’s under his belt. A belt that was very soon to be tossed into a waiting crowd, headed up by a very smug Cartman.

Kyle licked his lips and clenched his hands to stop them from shaking as the Fatass warmed up the audience, almost incandescent in his element.

‘You can still back out you know, I’ll cover you.’ Stan said from by his side, over the sound of Cartman’s crowing. For the thousandth time Kyle shook his head, unable to stomach explaining yet again why he had to go through with this.

It wasn’t just the off hand comment from Kenny about Cartman’s Mom being an ex-stripper that simultaneously mortified Kyle and shamed him into standing here. To be perfectly honest, he would be stood here no matter what because he and Cartman had some kind of bizarre gentleman’s agreement when it came to their bets. Cartman never backed down when the time came to pay up and Kyle would be _damned_ if he was gonna be the first.

‘OK dude well…’ Stan clapped him on the shoulder, ‘break a leg.’

‘Thanks Stan.’ Kyle managed a small smile before squaring his shoulders towards the stage as the first booming notes of the song started up.

This was it. Showtime.

Kyle took a deep breath and stepped out into the spotlight.

Keep low, don’t think… feel, bend your legs, work from the hips, not the torso… Kayla’s tuition ran through Kyle’s head a mile a minute as he strutted his way through the first verse of the song. Trying with everything he had to channel his Jersey side and not be the uncoordinated dork that everyone in that audience was expecting.

30 seconds in and Kyle had realised something that was even more disturbing than the fact his tie was now the property of a blonde girl from his chemistry class…

Cartman was right. This was fucking hard work.

To be honest, Kyle had been quite happy to lose the restrictive item of clothing. He was sweating. Both from the hot lights and the dance moves which took some serious leg and stomach muscles.

He had realised something else too. He was actually _enjoying_ himself. A minute in and his shirt was gone, revealing his sweat glistened torso that, thank fuck, was fairly toned from years on the basketball court. The crowd seemed to like it anyway, judging by the yells and cat calls. Their sounds of encouragement boosted Kyle’s confidence and he smirked to himself.

Cartman wanted a show? Then Kyle was gonna give him a show. It would never be said that Kyle Broflowski was one to back down from a challenge.

He threw himself into the second verse with renewed vigour, gyrating his hips and flicking back his hair, which Kayla has insisted he keep uncovered. The copper curls bouncing around his face.

He winked as his hands went to his belt and the crowd screamed louder. Kenny’s piercing whistle rang out over the din as he jumped up and down. Beside him Stan sat grinning, gingerly peeking out of one eye while his hand covered the other. The sight almost made Kyle laugh. His gaze slid over to the instigator of tonight’s event to see what effect Kyle’s antics were having on him and his grin doubled in wattage.

Cartman’s face was a picture. Kyle wished to god he had his phone to capture the look of pure disbelief on Cartman’s face. At least Kyle thought it was disbelief. Cartman’s jaw was almost on the floor anyway and he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away. It could be horror Kyle guessed, but at least he could be sure that Cartman was watching for the grand finale.

With a swing of his hips and a quick prayer, the trousers were off and the entire audience was treated to an unashamed view of his tight red boxer shorts (he had drawn the line at a thong). The beat reached a crescendo and Kyle was riding a high, caught up by the electric atmosphere and the dizzying relief that in less than a minute it would all be over. He would have paid his dues with dignity (in a matter of speaking) and shown Cartman that he was up to anything he could throw at him.

 _Why not take it one further?_ A wicked voice whispered in his head, egged on by Cartman’s gaping stare. _Really sock it to him?_

Once last glance at Cartman’s face was all it took to convince Kyle and before he could regain his senses, he leapt down from the stage and into the crowd. It parted for him like the Red Sea, revealing a whooping Kenny, a head shaking Stan and the man himself.

Kyle zeroed in on him with a mischievous smirk, working his moves until he was stood with a frozen Cartman gazing up at him. Without further ado Kyle grabbed hold of the back of the chair behind Cartman’s head with one hand, using the momentum to swing his leg over so he was almost, but not quite, straddling the brunette’s lap, and in once smooth motion gyrated his hips.

To the right of them, Kenny was doubled over laughing. Butters was watching with both hands covering his mouth, whilst Stan was pinching the bridge of his nose in obvious exasperation.

Cartman gasped at the movement and his hands came up, just stopping short of grabbing Kyle’s waist. It seemed like he couldn’t decide where then to put them and Kyle watched closely, just in case one of those fists came flying at his face. Whatever was going through Cartman’s mind right now though, it evidently wasn’t punching him. In fact, as Kyle swung his hips again, adding in a body roll, he was pretty sure he might just have broke Cartman’s brain.

Kyle grinned at finally achieving the impossible. After 18 years, he had actually made Eric Cartman speechless.

As a final flourish he leant backwards, rolling his body as the crowd whooped. The motion brushed his ass against Cartman’s crotch. And as Kyle righted himself, their eyes met and Kyle knew that Cartman knew he had felt it.

Cartman was hard.

Kyle wrenched a leg up and over Cartman’s head to twist and land, managing to strike his final pose just as the music ended.

The din that followed afterwards was almost deafening as what felt like a hundred hands came out to slap him on the back. Kyle felt exhilarated and breathless and shaky and he was pretty sure it wasn’t all from the exertion.

He craned his neck round to find Cartman but he was no where to be seen.

It wasn’t until nearly 2 hours later, after the congratulatory drinks and the endless Magic Mike jokes that he finally collapsed onto his bed at home and allowed himself to think about what had happened.

Cartman had gotten hard. While Kyle was giving him a lap dance.

Kyle cringed at the memory, what the fuck had he been thinking? Why the fuck did being around Cartman induce all kinds of stupid from him?

Wait a minute, was it the boner or the lapdance that was making him cringe? Oddly enough, it was the memory of him making a spectacle of himself that was more stomach churning than the actual boner. Cartman getting hard for Kyle didn’t catapult him into a horror induced panic the way he thought it would.

But maybe it hadn’t been because of him? Cartman could have been thinking about anyone. Maybe they were a common occurrence? They were young guys after all. Maybe Cartman got boners for people all the time?

Kyle was surprised to find he didn’t like the thought of Cartman getting hard for other people. And that the revelation wasn’t as earth shattering as it probably should have been. Kyle liked guys, he was out at school (as was Cartman) and Cartman excited Kyle in a way that almost no one else had ever managed. Would it be so strange to want to be that person for Cartman too? Kyle had thought their pull was purely intellectual, but was it such a leap that the lines might have blurred over the years? They were friends after all.

He turned over sharply, jamming his face into his pillow. He was too tired for all of this soul searching. He had time to figure stuff out. It wasn’t like anyone but him and Cartman knew what had happened and he was hardly going to tell anyone. Somehow, he doubted that this time Cartman would either.

They had time.

\--------

They had no time. By 9 o five the next morning, it was all over the school.

‘Dude, are you ok?’ Stan’s concerned face was Kyle’s first indication that something was up.

‘Yeh why?’ He answered, raising an eyebrow.

‘He’s asking if you need therapy. I know I would if Eric got a stiffy for me.’ Clyde piped up as he and Craig joined the crowd forming around Kyle’s locker.

‘We’re all here for you.’ Craig intoned, looking as serious as ever.

‘What?’ Kyle squeaked, jerking backwards and slamming his elbow on his locker door. ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ He repeated in as normal voice as he could manage with his heart going mile a minute.

‘Butters said something to Cartman after you’d finished your dance about not being embarrassed. Red overheard and Bebe confirmed that she saw it too. He totally had a boner while you were stripping dude, did you not realise?’ Stan explained.

Kyle opened his mouth then shut it again. What the fuck was he meant to say?

‘I gotta go, I’m gonna be late.’ He said in a rush, slamming his locker shut and shoving his way out of the circle.

‘Poor guy.’ He heard Clyde say as he walked quickly away.

Kyle’s first class was like torture. He sat down at his desk to whispers from the guys and giggles from the girls. He could only imagine how Cartman was fairing.

Kyle groaned internally, wishing to god he had never taken that stupid bet. Contrary to popular opinion, he and Cartman did not go out of their way to humiliate each other without some form of consent, dubious or otherwise, being struck beforehand. And Kyle would certainly never, ever want to embarrass Cartman or _any_ other student like this.

What the fuck should he do? Deny it? That wouldn’t work. It was too widespread. Ride it out? That would be difficult for him and even worse for Cartman.

Kyle need to talk to him before he split. If he knew Cartman at all, he would bail after first recess and lie low at home until everything had quieted down. He would have no difficulty at all convincing his Mom to send in a note for whatever illness he feigned for the duration, leaving Kyle to deal with the fallout.

Kyle resolved to catch Cartman at first break. As it was, he needn’t have worried. Cartman was waiting for him in the corridor outside his classroom, provoking another round of giggles as the girls spotted him.

‘We need to talk.’ Cartman said, crossing his arms.

‘No shit.’ Kyle snorted.

‘Listen Kyle, you need to tell everyone that I didn’t get… that it didn’t happen.’ Cartman continued after an awkward pause.

‘That’s not gonna work, Cartman.’ Kyle shook his head, frowning.

‘It would if you came down off your high horse long enough to learn how to lie like a decent human being!’

‘That makes no sense Fatass.’ Kyle snapped back. ‘And what the fuck am I meant to say?’

‘Say it was a tootsi roll or something that I’d left in my pocket.’

‘Pretty fucking big tootsi roll.’

Kyle wanted to bite his tongue as soon as the words came out of his mouth.

‘Damn right, Jew.’ Cartman said smugly. ‘Just stick to the story and it will be fine.’ He said, waving a finger warningly.

‘I’m telling you that’s not gonna work!’

‘God dammit, Kyle! Why do you always have to be so difficult?’ Cartman cried, throwing his hands up in exasperation. ‘Can’t you just do this one fucking thing for me without pitching a bitch fit?’

Kyle gritted his teeth. ‘We need to tell the truth, if we don’t we’re just feeding the fire.’

‘If you think I’m gonna admit anything to those she-wolves, you’re fucking simple, Jew.’

Kyle was beginning to think he must be to be having this conversation.

He took a deep, calming breath. ‘Look Cartman, you’re making a big deal out of this. It’s just a boner…’

‘Yeh, a boner that I supposedly got whilst you were up there shaking your ginger ass.’ Cartman interrupted.

‘But people get them all the time.’ Kyle finished firmly.

‘Right, so it’s not like it meant anything so don’t be thinking it did or anything. Like I’d ever get hard for your nerdy ass.’ Cartman scoffed derisively.

Despite the forced laugh that accompanied the obvious lie, the comment stung more than Kyle would care to admit.

‘Fine. So if it didn’t mean anything and it didn’t even happen. Then I guess you don’t need my help then.’ Kyle spat, spinning on his heel. ‘Have fun in class, Fatass.’

‘Kyle wait!’ Kyle stopped and turned at Cartman’s panicked tone, raising an expectant eyebrow.

‘What the fuck do you want from me?’ Cartman shouted, before lowering his voice to a furious whisper. ‘You want me to admit it? Fine. I was hard. You fucking blew my mind with that shit you were pulling. If you want me to tell you that every fucking day for the rest of our lives, I will, just fucking use that Jew brain of yours to stop them talking about this!’

Kyle eyes slid from Cartman’s pleading face to his heaving chest and over his shoulder to the small crowd that had gathered at the end of the corridor, fronted by Red.

‘Ok.’ Kyle said simply, before grabbing the back of Cartman’s neck and crashing their mouths together. It was a move that was either complete idiousy or pure genius. And from the way Cartman’s mouth froze under his own before relaxing into a filthy kiss that Kyle felt all the way down to his toes, Kyle was pretty sure it was the latter.

‘What the fuck?’ Cartman whispered finally, wide eyed, when they both came up for air.

Kyle smirked. ‘Come on Cartman, you know better than anyone that the best way to stop a rumour is with a bigger one.’

Cartman’s mouth dropped opened in shock for a moment before catching sight of Red and co., who were practically vibrating with excitement behind them, and joining Kyle in a smirk. The bell for class went and the crowds started to scatter, taking their new found gossip with them.

‘So what happens when this rumour gets around the school?’ Cartman asked, turning his attention back to Kyle, his smirk turning salacious.

Kyle shrugged, tightening his arms around Cartman’s neck and bringing their bodies closer together.

‘I guess we’ll just have to up our game again.’ Kyle said, raising an eyebrow challengingly.

‘Clever Jew.’ Cartman complimented, moving in for another kiss.

Yes, right now, Kyle rather thought he was.


End file.
